For Father’s day, try not to say “mom” when you mean “parent”

This Father’s day, I want everyone to try hard not to say “mom” when what they mean is “parent.”

Have you been challenged to post 10 days about being a mom? Is anything you’re posting related to pregnancy, childbirth, or breastfeeding? Could you just post for 10 days about being a parent instead?

Are you working on a product or app with “Mom” or “Mama” in the name? Is it related to pregnancy, childbirth, or breastfeeding? Could you change the name? Why is the app to communicate between child care centers and parents called “Hi Mama?” Was “Hi Parents” taken?

Are you part of a mom’s group? Are there aspects of the group that actually have nothing to do with pregnancy, childbirth, or breastfeeding? Is there a particular reason why you don’t want parents who don’t self-identify as mothers to buy your used stroller?

Here’s the thing - I do get it. I get that women have been pushed into the role of primary parent since, well, forever. I get that being a primary parent is really really hard, especially if it wasn't your first choice. I get that society makes it even worse by undervaluing your work, both the physical work and the mental and emotional work of managing a household. I get that it got even worse in the 70’s when suddenly there was a lot of pressure on liberal women to get paying jobs but no corresponding pressure on liberal men to pick up their fair share of the housework and childcare. I get that you need a support network to make it through.

But here’s the thing; non-female primary parents need that support network too. A lot of those networks are actually reinforcing the very trends that they were a response to. Every product with “Mama” in the name that has nothing to do with pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, or female bodies, every baby carrier for sale that only has pictures of femme women on the packaging, every Leave of Absence Request form with a box for “maternity leave” but no “paternity” or “parental” leave, every social media post about being a mom that’s really just about parenting, every time a woman is asked if she’s going back to work and a man is asked why he’s taking such a long leave to be with his newborn, every time a man is told he’s being a good dad just for taking his kid for a walk, every Mommy blog that’s really just about parenting, all of that helps to reinforce a message that being a primary parent is the woman’s job. Women, better step up! Men and other people who are not women, you don’t belong here!

It goes beyond messaging to real, tangible barriers to non-female parents. Men who try to be primary or stay-at-home parents have a harder time accessing social groups and support networks. They may be given less generous parental leave, or be strongly discouraged by their office culture of taking all of what little leave they are offered. It’s hard being a stay-at-home parent, but it’s even harder when you are constantly being told that you’re doing something unnatural and you don’t have access to an accepting community of other parents.

So this Father’s day, here’s my request: before you identify someone (including yourself) as a mom instead of a parent, ask yourself why you’re making that distinction. Are you talking about pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, or female bodies? Yep, mom is probably the right term. Are you talking about how hard it is dealing with the stress of parenting while also being a woman in a patriarchal society? Yep, that’s moms again. Are you sharing an interaction that probably would not have happened to a male parent doing the same thing, like getting serious side-eye instead of adoring looks when you take your kid on public transit? Unfortunately, that’s a mom thing.

But are you talking about sleep training, getting your kid to eat solids, potty accidents, ridiculous things your kids do and say, school, your own lack of sleep, the difficulty of finding time to yourself, your frustration with your co-parent for not helping with the child-rearing, recommendations for baby gear, or just how much you love your kids? See, none of that is unique to moms. Please let the rest of us parents share in the conversation.

At least for today.